6 years ago today my life took a massive Pivot in a completely different direction.
I was weeks away from getting married to a person who was completely the wrong fit for me. Weeks away from a big wedding. Thousands of miles away. With all of my family and friends making the epic trek there to celebrate this monumental day with me.
When I made the decision to not go through with this wedding, I had absolutely no idea what would be the next move.
What I didn’t know, was that life would be an incredible challenge. That I would go through so many changes. That I would emerge on the other side of this journey completely unrecognisable.
My life was no story of success. All of a sudden I was living in a crappy flatshare, with mice running all over the floor. I was broke from paying off wedding debts (seriously, always buy wedding insurance), I was scared all of the time. I felt like my life was going nowhere.
I felt like everyone knew my life was going nowhere.
If the pursuit of sobriety is the pursuit of perfection, then I would have stayed where I was. With a perfect looking life. With a fiancé I was indifferent to. In a relationship where there was minimal honest communication. In a life that felt like an imitation of the life I should be living. Rather than a life that was a perfect fit for me.
I realised I hadn’t been being honest with myself. That I hadn’t put the work into finding out what my personal preferences were.
That I hadn’t worked how to communicate properly.
That there was still so much for me to discover in life.
So that’s what I did. I explored. I got out there and discovered what I truly liked and wanted, by first discovering what I truly disliked and didn’t want.
I got my hands dirty. I fucked up a lot. My life continued to look like an epic failure as I refined and redefined what it was that I needed to build an authentic feeling life.
Sometimes I felt lonely, many times I felt sad.
But at all times I finally felt free.
I never felt the urge to drink the scared feelings away. I never stop wanting to explore the new possibilities out there.
I never felt the urge to stop this exploring, and expend my energy into putting up a front to pretend my life was going better than it was.
I can only assume that this is because when I stopped drinking, I also stopped caring what people thought of me.
Which was very handy. Obviously.
6 years on my life is unrecognisable. What I’ve deliberately built and created instead is a life that feels so right for me.
A life that is so joyful. So solid. So satisfying on every level.
6 years on and I have everything I have ever wanted.
And I wouldn’t change a moment of this messy, imperfect, scary, and yes, sober journey.
Because where I stand now is perfection to me.