When Sober Doesn’t Equal Perfect 

6 years ago today my life took a massive Pivot in a completely different direction.

I was weeks away from getting married to a person who was completely the wrong fit for me. Weeks away from a big wedding. Thousands of miles away. With all of my family and friends making the epic trek there to celebrate this monumental day with me.

When I made the decision to not go through with this wedding, I had absolutely no idea what would be the next move.

What I didn’t know, was that life would be an incredible challenge. That I would go through so many changes. That I would emerge on the other side of this journey completely unrecognisable.

My life was no story of success. All of a sudden I was living in a crappy flatshare, with mice running all over the floor. I was broke from paying off wedding debts (seriously, always buy wedding insurance), I was scared all of the time. I felt like my life was going nowhere.

I felt like everyone knew my life was going nowhere.

If the pursuit of sobriety is the pursuit of perfection, then I would have stayed where I was. With a perfect looking life. With a fiancé I was indifferent to. In a relationship where there was minimal honest communication. In a life that felt like an imitation of the life I should be living. Rather than a life that was a perfect fit for me.

I realised I hadn’t been being honest with myself. That I hadn’t put the work into finding out what my personal preferences were.

That I hadn’t worked how to communicate properly. 

That there was still so much for me to discover in life.

So that’s what I did. I explored. I got out there and discovered what I truly liked and wanted, by first discovering what I truly disliked and didn’t want.

I got my hands dirty. I fucked up a lot. My life continued to look like an epic failure as I refined and redefined what it was that I needed to build an authentic feeling life.

Sometimes I felt lonely, many times I felt sad. 

But at all times I finally felt free. 

I never felt the urge to drink the scared feelings away. I never stop wanting to explore the new possibilities out there. 

I never felt the urge to stop this exploring, and expend my energy into putting up a front to pretend my life was going better than it was.

I can only assume that this is because when I stopped drinking, I also stopped caring what people thought of me. 

Which was very handy. Obviously.

6 years on my life is unrecognisable. What I’ve deliberately built and created instead is a life that feels so right for me. 

A life that is so joyful. So solid. So satisfying on every level.

6 years on and I have everything I have ever wanted. 

And I wouldn’t change a moment of this messy, imperfect, scary, and yes, sober journey. 

Because where I stand now is perfection to me.


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