I dislike myself today.
I can’t shake it.
As the day goes on its getting worse and worse.
I’m using pretty much everything I can think of.
Pretty much everything at my disposal.
To feel bad about myself.
I’ve been sick all week.
So I know it’s really just me feeling worn down.
I’ve been in bed for days.
Which brings back very dark memories about years gone by when all I could do was lie in a bed.
That made me sad.
But the sadness is gone now.
Now I just feel horrible about myself.
It will pass.
I’ve not felt this way about myself for years.
I’d actually forgotten it was possible to feel like this.
I’m shocked to remember that this used to be my normal.
That I used to feel this way about myself all of the time.
It’s been a while. A long while. But I’m fairly sure hating myself stopped when I stopped drinking.
I think it was the first time I ever felt any lasting sense of self esteem.
Instead of the fleeting moments, that visited periodically throughout life.
The external reasons. Awards. Jobs. Love. The impermanent reasons to feel okay about myself.
I had forgotten how to dislike myself.
It’s quite strange to revisit it.
I don’t plan on staying here for long.
Maybe until I feel better. Or sleep properly.
Or get my voice back.
Then I’ll feel better about things.
Maybe it helps to remember though.
An uncomfortable little reminder.
Of how my normal used to be.
Turns out this non-drinking lark works, eh…